at 0° Aries

Have you ever wanted something so bad it makes you turn to mush in the middle of the night, sleepless and yearning?

There are few things in my life that have given me this incredible sense of purpose, perhaps it’s a true calling. maybe some delusion. but delusion after-all, i think is the only way reality happens sometimes. especially when all odds are against you.

don’t get me wrong, i’ve been delusional before where it’s turned out reality is actually just against me. for instance, in love. i remember being in middle school feeling this way in the middle of the night over a boy i thought was an absolute dream. a potato farmer, missing a thumb, had the name of a greek god. i was sure of it. at the middle school dance i watched him walk past me, as they seem to do those days, to another girl. my first co-ed sleepover at a girl’s house from my school, he was there. we all skinny dipped in a questionable pond under a full moon in colorado summer . wet hair and my wet american eagle jeans, we go inside and i was sure of it. i fell asleep on the floor alone, yearning and hoping all night long.

though it never happened for me in that instance, there is something so beautiful about blind hope. and keeping that blind hope throughout life even if you’ve not been dealt your ideal hand of cards.

the difference now is, that my yearnings are very much centered on creating. i can’t really explain the feeling, but its painful. but also somewhat so…reassuring. i don’t think i would feel so heavily in these moments, especially at this point in my life if my desire for what i want wasn’t going to the place i imagine myself going to.

I haven’t felt this in quite a while, and it’s 3Am and leave to fly back to la in a few hours. i figured i’d document it and look back when things come to fruition to prove what positive delusion can do for one.

“O Divine Poesy, goddess, daughter of Zeus, sustain for me this song of the various-minded man who, after he had plundered the innermost citadel of hallowed Troy, was made to stay grievously about the coasts of men, the sport of their customs, good and bad, while his heart, through all the sea-faring, ached with an agony to redeem himself and bring his company safe home. Vain hope – for them. The fools! Their own witlessness cast them aside. To destroy for meat the oxen of the most exalted Sun, wherefore the Sun-god blotted out the day of their return. Make this tale live for us in all its many bearings, O Muse.” – from Homer’s Odyssey, translation by T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia)”